Plastic Ipsum

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Can I get you guys anything? Some snacks? A condom? Let me know! But you do have to watch out for "frenemies." Grool... I meant to say cool and then I started to say great. Janis Ian - Dyke. I'm a MOUSE. DUH. You can't join Mathletes, it's social suicide! Say crack again. No, I know what home-school is, I'm not retarded! Oh, God, honey, no! What kind of mother do you think I am? Why, do you want a little bit? Because if you're going to drink I'd rather you do it in the house. Regina, you're wearing sweatpants. It's Monday. If only you knew how mean she really is... You'd know that I'm not allowed to wear hoop earrings, right? Yeah! Two years ago she told me hoops earrings were *her* thing and I wasn't allowed to wear them anymore. And then for Hannakuh my parents got this pair of really expensive white gold hoops and I had to pretend like I didn't even like them and... it was so sad. And you know she cheats on Aaron? Yes, every Thursday he thinks she's doing SAT prep but really she's hooking up with Shane Oman in the projection room above the auditorium! I never told anybody that because I am *such* a good friend! I really wanna lose three pounds. That little one, that's Gretchen Wieners. Is your muffin buttered? Joking. Sometimes older people make jokes. Whatever, I'm getting cheese fries. Fine! You can walk home, bitches. See? That's the thing with you plastics. You think everybody is in love with you when actually, everybody HATES you! Like, Aaron Samuels, for example, he broke up with Regina and guess what? He still doesn't want you! So why are you still messing with Regina, Cady? I'll tell you why, because you are a mean girl! You're a bitch! Here. You can have this. It won a prize. I have really bad breath in the morning. Those bitches. My apologies. I have a nephew named Anfernee, and I know how mad he gets when I call him Anthony. Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact that my sister named him Anfernee. Is that a band? You still an asshole? Oh, I love seeing teachers outside of school. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs. That's why her hair is so big, it's full of secrets.

Still half-true. I have really bad breath in the morning. See? That's the thing with you plastics. You think everybody is in love with you when actually, everybody HATES you! Like, Aaron Samuels, for example, he broke up with Regina and guess what? He still doesn't want you! So why are you still messing with Regina, Cady? I'll tell you why, because you are a mean girl! You're a bitch! Here. You can have this. It won a prize. Wow, Damian, you've truely out-gayed yourself. You want to do something fun? You want to go to Taco Bell? They were real that day I wore a vest! Look, I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I only date women of color. Um, is there alcohol in this? One time she punched me in the face... it was awesome. Good news, they didn't get run over... Bad news, they're still flat. That little one, that's Gretchen Wieners. Cause she's a life ruiner. She ruins people's lives. Okay, yeah. I've got an apology. So, I have this friend who is a new student this year. And I convinced her that it would be fun to mess up Regina George's life. So I had her pretend to be friends with Regina, and then she would come to my house after and we would just laugh about all the dumb stuff Regina said. And we gave these candy bar things that would make her gain weight, and then we turned her best friends against her. And then... Oh yeah, Cady - you know my friend Cady? She made out with her boyfriend, and we convinced him to break up with her. Oh, God, and we gave her foot cream instead of face wash. God! I am so sorry Regina. Really, I don't know why I did this. I guess it's probably because I've got a big lesbian crush on you! Suck on that! She's totally rich because her dad invented Toaster Strudel. That is the ugliest f-ing skirt I've ever seen. Your grandmother and I have that in common. One time she met John Stamos on a plane... Do you remember your phone number? I wrote it down for you just in case. Put it in your pocket, I don't want you to lose it. OK? You ready? I don't think my father, the inventor of Toaster Strudel, would be too pleased with this. I know, right? Everyone in Africa knows Swedish Fat whore! Trang Pak made out with Coach Carr! And so did Sun Jin Dinh! Wow. Your house is really nice. Janis Ian - Dyke.

I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me... but I can't help it that I'm popular. Motherf - Well... they can tell when it's raining. So you agree? You think you're really pretty? At least you guys can wear halters. I've got man shoulders. Oh, no. It was coming up again, word vomit... no, wait a minute… Actual vomit. She's totally rich because her dad invented Toaster Strudel. I'm not a regular mom, I'm a cool mom. She's so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Janis Ian. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend Kyle who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana, and Janis was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow her off to hang out with Kyle, she'd be like, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?" So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-girls pool party, I was like, "Janis, I can't invite you, because I think you're lesbian." I mean I couldn't have a lesbian at my party. There were gonna be girls there in their *bathing suits*. I mean, right? She was a LESBIAN. So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then she dropped out of school because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the fall for high school, all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess she's on crack. What is happening to the world? Janis Ian - Dyke. That is the ugliest f-ing skirt I've ever seen. Coach Carr, step away from the underage girls! Oh, hi. Did you wanna buy some drugs? I'd rather see you out there shakin' that thang. I care. Every year the seniors through this dance for the underclassmen called the Spring Fling. And whosoever is elected King and Queen automatically become head of the Student Activities Committee and since I am an active member of the Student Activities Committee, I would safely say, I care. And you are... a zombie bride. You can't join Mathletes, it's social suicide! Happy holidays everybody! Somebody wrote in that book that I'm lying about being a virgin because I use super jumbo tampons... but I can't help it if I've got a heavy flow and a wide set vagina! So, you have your cousins, and then you have your first cousins, and then you have your second cousins... Cause she's a life ruiner. She ruins people's lives. Miss Smith, why would Regina refer to herself as a "fugly slut"? You know what? You're the one who made me like this so you could use me for your 8th grade revenge! Don't be. You can do this. There's nothing to break your focus, because not one of those Marymount boys is cute.